Sunday, September 6, 2009

Thursday, March 19, 2009

How to read this blog

For a better understanding of the blog's story,
start reading the entries beginning February 1st

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Who are you? I'm not.

this blog feels like a  high school classroom in August. There is so much emptiness in this pseudo silence. Aren't all half-assed things half -assed?

I'm a minimalist.
Fireplace.
Married.
Cats.
Nice place.
Job.
Shrink chair.
Good wine.
Like you said.
Less makes me happy.
Where are you
at this point?
I got a long 
way to go.
Married.
Job.
Shrink chair.
Good wine.
Nice place.
Cats.
Fireplace.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

sh

Do you remember everything
you have said this past month?
Half of them. I'm taking lessons.
This is the symbol of our
government. Ibrahim.
We agreed to say that
I'm the dude in the Panda suit.
He is old and he makes them.
He forgets I can hear and he
gets frustrated trying to explain
to me in sign language. Anything in mind?
Nirvana. It belonged to
other writers. By the way, relax.
I’m a poet. Less writing.
It facilitates painting.

Monday, March 9, 2009

I meant

I mean,
how does one express emotions in silence? Facial expressions? How about from a long distance? Over the phone? Silence.


Anger, discomfort, anxiety. I guess they don't exist. They do exist but are drowned in the swimming pool of the face. 

So

If we agree that people actually do learn things from repetition and practice... then if an emotion stops been expressed or repeated, do people un-learn it?

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Can silence resolve serious issues?

Silence can resolve only our own personal issues. Are words the only thing we possess in order to advice and help others? Is silence considered apathy in western cultures?  Seems that this is the case. How do words help? Is the understanding of them the same for different people? how much harm can silence make? How much harm can words make?

Greek saying:
"A tongue has no bones, yet it breaks bones"

have a good weekend 




Friday, March 6, 2009

March 6th. Excerpts from my notes

Are you off today? Are you stoned?
Are you sober? I don't have cell phone
reception. It's a long time. I can still
hear. That would be so funny if
they were doing it to fuck with the
customers. I write every day. Look
outside the window. The wall frame.
I saw these before. It's a woman. It is
2 guys. Have you seen it before? They
had one on a spinning base. He showed
a product called Bayonnaise. Bacon
& Mayonnaise. I don't want to talk
anymore. I will go get change.
I miss my Vespa. They have it in diet too.
Can you cook lettuce? Stavro.
Come & find me. Can I have two
$10 bills please? I am trying
to learn about mysticism. We will
be back for it. Another John.
She was eaten by dirt. H2O please.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

March 5th. What I read today.

Excerpts from The Mystery of Sound.

The life absolute from which has sprung all that is felt, seen, and perceived, and into which all merges in time, is a silent, motionless, and eternal life which among the Sufis is called zat.

Every motion that springs forth from this silent life is a vibration and a creator of vibrations.

As motion causes motion, so the silent life becomes active in a certain part and creates every moment more and more activity, losing thereby the peace of the original silent life.

Man is not only formed of vibrations, but he lives and moves in them;they surround him as the fish is surrounded by water.

The vibratory activity is the basis of sensation and the source f all pleasure and pain; its cessation is the opposite of sensation. All sensations are caused by a certain garde of activity of vibration.

If there were no rhytm , if it were not for the law of rhythm, we would not have distinct forms and intelligent conditions.

Harmonious forms are manifestations if a right rhythm, and inharmonious forms are manifestations of a disorder in rhythm.

...by controlling this rhythm one can prolong one's life, and also that by neglecting this rhythm one can shorten it.

What repulses or attracts us in a person is a very often his rhythm. One person is rhytmic, and his influence is soothing;another is out of rhythm, and he upsets everybody.

By being regular one maintains rhythm in everything one does, and an irregular person will always find himself lost, because he cannot accomplish anything from want of rhythm.


I can't think of a more beautiful rhythm than the rhythm of silence. In this case,Silence becomes such a relevant term. Silence is the rhytmic sound of the virgin vibrations.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

March 4th. Wed nes days & Sun days

So I speak on W and S. I told my mom and she got upset. She said "aren't you done with that nonsense?". I said that I wasn't asking for permission, I was just informing her. She said. I don't remember what she said. Selective speaking goes hand in hand with selective hearing. Fair.

Today, I put on a Great Red Suit and went to the NYU library. I read some Jennifer Michael-Hecht, some Gary Snyder, and some poetry by Nikos Karouzos. 
 
I met with a friend today. G and I did not hang while I was on my VOS. She said she can't imagine me being silent. I agreed. I talked ALOT. I guess once again, I felt that I needed to make up for that loss time. I am tired. I am also glad it's Thursday tomorrow. 

I typed everything I had written down in February. I mushed everything together. It is very abstract. I was thinking of editing it and make it part of my thesis. Part of the creative part. ( ?)
Last night I met with my peer group. They suggested I crop that massive block of text into smaller parts (jennifer suggested the same). I will post an excerpt tomorrow.


What did the sadist do to the masochist? Nothing. 




Tuesday, March 3, 2009

March 3

I talked, and now I feel tired. I speak softly and I am try not to stress my voice chords too much. I expected at least a few people to call me or text me on March 1st, but surprisingly no one did. 
My first words were not profound, as some may had expected. ;)
Another thing I noticed besides being tired from speaking is the speed of my walking. I am walking faster now. I miss silence already. I knew I would. I miss that serenity, my meditating state of mind. I have decided to talk on wednesdays and sundays.  


The reason I feel tired over this past 2 days is because I have subconsiously tried to "catch up" and make up for the "lost time". I felt that similar guilt against my friends. While I was in the shower I played a conversation I recorded yesterday with Jennifer. I didn't talk  for the most part of it, but at the times that I spoke, I wish I hadn't said any of the useless things I said. I think that a good way to evaluate ourselves ( if one desires to) is to tape record what we say and play it the next day. 

I know I have mentioned it earlier but I feel empty.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

March 1

We made it. We completed the initial task. I say we, because I could never do it without your understanding, respect and patience. Thank you! Now what? Would my friends feel "betrayed" if I kept this going. I know for sure that I cannot just resume everything and pretend it is all "normal" again. I am not sure if I want that anyway. Therefore, I have decided to only talk on specific days. I need to start babysitting again and have some sort of income. ATM machines depress me. Where does the expression "money talks" come from?
I still have to figure out how I will do this. 
 

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Day 28. On a second thought

I did not say a word in a month













































sounds like a long tim.e

Friday, February 27, 2009

Day 27. EMA

I got a text message from a friend reading : 1 day left!!! 
I got a few more similar remarks, since my index card reads: FOR THE WHOLE MONTH OF FEBRUARY".  I have decided that I am not ready to give up silence yet. I have come this far. I haven't been far. I am only worried about my mum, because she is really worried about this.I worry, she worries, we worry. Somehow she learned how to text and she did send me a few text messages over this past month. I feel like I am torturing her and it doesn't seem right.
I might change it, mix it up a little bit and do selective silence. What do I mean by that? Talk only on specific days, talk only to a small number of people, or something of this type. Or maybe speak when spoken to! 
I have overheard an interesting dialogue, or better a monologue today:

"My brother said the most stupid thing ever. I wanted to smack him in the face. Our mom gave us $2o and he wanted to get pizza. I'd rather buy clothes with that money. Food lasts, how long? 10 minutes? Shoes last at least a month! Stupid pizza. I will get a pimple and have break outs."

I went to the Guggenheim today and I was surprised on how many people mocked some of the artwork. Fucking A. Why would anyone bother to visit a museum if they don't appreciate the art. Even if you don't appreciate a specific piece, at least respect it by not sharing your stupid insides with others. I guess the answer is similar to "Why do guys watch chick flicks?" or "Why do they open the car door for women"...
Allen Ginsberg's  penis, and the two blocks of ice surrounded by microphones, were the mockers' favorites.  

Lastly: Since I am self proclaimed poet here is a poem

A Spaceship for my Time trip

If I could travel back in time 
I would had stood before the person 
who would had been about to 
invent the air quotes and 
with a quick karate chop
I would break his fingers in 
four different "places".



I am not pissed.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

still Day 26

"The quality of uniqueness which is inherent in everyone's approach to everything, demands satisfaction. Without it, intellectual, outer authority strikes no deep roots. On the other hand, in the absence of verified and verifiable knowledge as the foundation stone, individualism stands in danger of building on the shifting sands of mere opinion."

Me: I feeling kinda anxious because I have yet to decide about my thesis. I have yet to have that profound revelation to link silence and poetry.
You: silence is the highest state of the poetic experience.
How do I convince The New School?
You: It is a difficult task if you want to be honest with your own journey
Me: I know. I'm not good with words. I like hands.
You: "I'm not good with words" an irony?
Me: More like a self-realization or a plain realization.
You: on the other hand, a thesis is a like a large paper. A task.
Me: I feel indifferent about it that is why I am stressed. Why would I have to position my opinion on something. I accept everything because I realize how few I know.
Philosophy of silence : The extensive use of silence always seemed to him a satisfying means to spiritual discoveries-more direct and far more compelling than the road of preachments and books, though these may serve the masses. In other words, he has no quarrel with authority per se , but asks only that it guide him as far as it can, yet leave him sufficiently free to develop his own inner life."
You: Then, use that little moment of euphoria to think about it and do it.
Me: I just feel forced to do this. I even have doubts if I want to write/ publish poetry.
Philosophy of silence. Wise leaders- Pythagoras, Clement of Alexandria, Augustine, Loyola are a few-who have counseled that there need be no battle between individualism and outer authority. They have maintained that religion, to be rightly and fruitfully lived, requires both.
You: Everything changes.
Me: It does. It changes and we don't even take notice. Have you seen a singing bowl before? I was playing with one yesterday and it had an impact in my environment for hours. Such a strong vibration. Just think of the power of an actual sound! A voice. How powerful that is and we misuse it every single day!
You: yes, I know.
Me: So why would I "bother" compose words?
Me: It feels like 2012 the end of world. The end of word. Am I turning crazy?
You: no. But the sky, now, is a mirror.
On the other hand, have you asked yourself what you are looking for?
Me: what I am looking for is distracted by my vices. Money. Social life. Recognition. My voice is weak.
You: Everything will come in the right time. Passion is required. Do it in the same way you sing when you are silent.
Me: I can't. I don't have a tune in my head. I don't want to open my mouth. Even to eat.
You: if it seems hard to sing when you are silent, then try to keep silent while you are singing. If you can do that, a new soul will born in the soul you have.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Day 26.

What is happening is amazing. Almost 3 hours ago, my friend Lia, played her tibetan singing bowl in my room. It is now 2:37 and I can still hear it! I have noticed that since my vow of silence the energy in my room has changed. Everything feels so mellow and serene. Even the fridge stopped making that annoying sound. I had a feeling about it but I couldn't "prove" it. Now I am somehow convinced about the relation of the two.
If you have never heard of a singing bowl you should youtube it.
 

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Day 24. Tongues of flesh

"for only then wilt thou upon It gaze when thou canst say no word concerning It. For Gnosis of the Good is holy silence and a giving holiday to every sense" Hermes to Asclepius.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Day 23. 2 of my favorite responses

One of my favorite sushi places is at Whole foods on Houston and since I am such a good customer, the guys that work there recognize me and we often chat.

Last week when i went there, Jamba asked me how have I been and I pulled out my " I am sorry I cant respond, i am on a vow of silence" card and then he nod his head. When he came back to get the order he looked at me for a second and said:

-"You can't talk but.... you can hear, right?"


Today I was sitting on the entrance of a building on 2nd avenue enjoying a pale sunny spot when this woman asked me if I knew the neighborhood so I nodded my head Yes

and she asked me if I knew any other Polish markets because the one she usually goes ( she mentioned the name) was closed. I didnt expect such a difficult and elaborative question, and since I don't know any Polish markets so i nodded No. She looked at me for a few seconds and said " You cant speak english very well, can you?". Again I smiled and nodded my head No. She walked away. I wonder how did she interpret my no. Was it, "no, i dont speak english very well" or "no, i do speak english very well". How often we ask questions and don't care for the answer.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Day 22. The best answer to anger is silence- Anonymous

I met with my thesis advisor today, and she talked about the ways my silence impacts her. I was flattered that I had some affect on her, especially on someone that I respect so much and also don't see often. She decided to remain silent for the last 20 minutes. For some reason I felt uncomfortable being looked at in silence and I wondered if I put my friends into that uncomfortable spot. I am sorry if I did. 

I really needed to do this silence thing, because I am jumpy and also ;) bored to tears, so I wanted to teach myself a lesson. I feel like I did. I have become more patient with people and situations. From the pace of my walk, to the amount it takes me to eat. Some people around me, intentionally or unintentionally, play mental games with me and provoke me. Pre-silence Stavros would had been furious, but now I can somehow control it. It will take more to be provoked. Moving on, or better, i remain still and let the universe move up/down/left/right wherever it wants to go.

Attention.
I get more than I want. The initial idea of this was to distant myself so I could observe better, but sometimes people get curious and once they start they won't stop asking questions. Last night I avoided giving answers and that worked against me. Some people that knew about it, took the role of the narrator. In a way, I wasn't bothered, but still the attention was there. I am not complaining, it's just tiring, especially when it comes in contrast with the  whole idea of mysticism. 

My prep talk of the day included the following quote:
"you rock.
you are sending yourself messages about what you are furious about. 
if you want to be a real poet you need to do so much less than most.
you already have the hard part-you have made contact with a dark of your root brain.
now get vulnerable in your interpretation of these runes" 


 




Saturday, February 21, 2009

Day 21.

twenty one days today, and i am only counting for the sake of the blog. Its not like, i am being tortured or I cant wait for this to end. I wasn't forced into this, on the contrary, i was advised not to do it. 

Even though this blog is after my attept to be silent, it reflects my opinion as Stavros Lambrakis, silent or not. All the observations  I make are filtered by my past 27 years of life. It would be stupid to assume that I am having this "profound" realizations because of silence. What I am trying to say is that I am still the same, still sensitive to certain comments and behaviors. 
I am irritated by doubters. Everywhere I go, and just for the record i never instigate conversation first, people doubt what i do and why i am doing it. It makes me mad, because it is a personal choice and you think you can so easily comment on it? I am so tired of this that i decided not to use notes anymore. I will use the basic cards and nothing else. No explanation, no justification, no more defending of what i do to those that don't matter.

next.

I feel even more distant than usual. I have become more judgemental of human behavior and "interaction". Maybe it is just a wave of pessimism that i often ride, but being silent is like being ec-static. Its as if i exit my body and watch things (including myself) from a more objective point of view. How is this poor communication enough? I thought we, as humans, are not as easily satisfied, simply because we have elaborating minds to seek for the best. I don't understand people that compromise when it comes to serious issues.  


Friday, February 20, 2009

Day 20. Mind control by Stephen Marley

"funny, the more you think you simplify things in life and the the more calm you think you become, the more sensitive you become and more prone to moments of utter chaos"-Lia Hall.

and to remove all doubt, to finally understand sacrifice...
there is a choice in this case, to sacrifice your social life for your life. 

in times like this,
memory or the lack of it is the biggest boost
for now all i want is to touch everything

I am walking towards you but everything has their own feet and stubborn brains.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Day 19.

still ,quiet.
still quiet.
.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Day 18.

I am now realizing how often my words or sentences are misinterpreted because when I write down my message, or comment, I ask the person to read it out loud so I can tell if they are reading it right. every other sentence i "say" is taken out of context. I have had this "problem" when younger but i thought it was over. I guess not. I have an unusual train of thought and I often assume that  in conversations I am in the same level with the other person and i avoid  stating the obvious. Obviously people view things from different perspectives. I guess in the past (verbal past that is),  people wouldn't bother getting to the bottom of things. i wonder how much of what we say to each other are disposed the  very minute they exit our mouths.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Day 17. Prolonged silence can often affect a person's state of mind-Wikipedia

Am I on a temporary "leave of absense"? My silence was planned for a month. I have yet to decide whether I will resume speaking after March 1st. My friends and people around me are not aware of this, so what I was thinking today is: do people modify their behavior temporarily because they expect this experience to end soon? Are they patient and understanding with me until my "phase" expires?

Monday, February 16, 2009

interview

I. Christodoulou a journalist for Phileleufteros , a local newspaper in Cyprus, has emailed me a few questions regarding my silence. I thought it would be a good idea to translate her questions and my "answers".

-Would you attempt a similar experiment in Cyprus, where people are different?

Probably no. I dont want to stereotupe, but most Cypriots are less understanding and receptive in this sort of art. We (Cypriots) are suspicious to these kind of "things", nevertheless we love bragging about our Greek heritage and how our ancestors were the first to invent and express art and cultivate art-friendly civilizations. I am sure that my art is being already been doubted. There are some people even in the States, that doubt me/it, and try to underestimate my effort and my work.
Some times the different or the unknow is stigmatized for its lack of reasonable explanation. I cant even imagine the reaction when I show my " Sorry I cant respond, i have taken a vow of silence" card at the local deli in Cyprus...The comments would be too explicit to describe. Giving this a second thought, if i was ever given the chance, I would probably try to do this back home too.

-You said that silence goes hand in hand with patience. Did you ever lose it?

Since the two go together, that means that my patience/tolerance has reached the level of my silence, which is 16 days strong. A positive thing about living in a big city like NY, I can have as much privacy as I want to "protect" myself from possible negative situations. The option to keep a safe distance should be available in every "free" society.

-Have you ever thought of anything that could make you lose focus from this? An upsetting image, a comment, news?

yes.sad news from back home. only

-Its been already more than 2 weeks. Did you catch yourself counting backwards the time until March 1st?

No. I am actually missing it already.

-Would you try something more "hardcore" after this? Lock yourself in detention for example...

I like extremities but unfortunately an artist by the name Tehching Hsieh has done something amazing decades ago. If i have any future inspiration or aspiration I wouldnt hesitate.

-Are you planning any future projects or are you focused solemnly to the silence?

my next project is a conceptual art exhibition that I am having on July 20th.It is called "den 3exnw 1974" (Never forget 1974) and I am currently working on the preparation and concept of some of the exhibits. Part of this "stillness" is to simplify the mind invent clean and solid ideas.

-What gives you "strengh" at this point? Achieving your goal? The necessity for silence?

Rightly said! The necessity for silence.It is becoming an essential part of my personal evolution.

-Would you recommend that to others?

I would recommend this to everyone. Those that have the luxury to try it should definetely give it a shot. Even those that cant, due to several responsibilities, they could modify silence to fit their lifestyle. One can try to remain silent when tempted or provoked to make a negative comment, curse out, lie, or even when tempted to make an evil thought. There are numerous sorts of silence.

-is silence gold indeed?
my answer is silence.

Day 16. Many attempts to communicate are nullified by saying too much-R.Greeleaf

I have noticed that my silent behavior is wearing off on other people also. Besides having a friend admitting to me that he has caught himself nodding his head instead of speaking, I have noticed that , especially on one on one occasions, the person that is with me remains silent too. I am hoping that they are enjoying those few shared moments of silence as much as I do.

Recent reactions:
My professor's 8 year old daughter took my notepad and wrote down "You are crazy" . My friend's 10 year old son, (whom was looking forward to my visit) was visibly disappointed and sort of sad because of my behavior. I asked him to read this blog before we met, hoping that he would understand ( if not at all, at least a bit). I felt bad after he left because our meeting didnt meet his expectations. I was thinking how different things would had been if 17 years ago, someone suggested I take a break from speaking for at least a day. How would I be today, if i learned and value silence decades ago. Would it be traumatic, confusing or beneficial. Timing is everything, and this is a question that its answer I will never know, yet it is still intriguing to ponder about.

I am trying to listen to less music. I dont want to be distracted and fill in my silent time with anything else but silence. When I choose to listen to something, my taste has changed. I prefer instrumental music. I feel like words tire me. Did i mention that I am more sensitive to noise? In the beginning I assumed that maybe i was making it up in my head but I after 16 days I dont have a doubt anymore.

Joking or not:
some people told me they prefer me this way ;)

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Day 15.

I put my philosophy of silence book away for a few days, because I didn't want to search for explanations as of yet. I want to complete my observations on my own behavior and my friends'.
Friendship

visiting and spending time with my close friends, under these unusual circumstances of my silence, i am looking at friendship from a whole new perspective. I have always been very involved in conversations, jokes, etc; but since I am not verbally active, I cant contribute much in the fun. My friends don't seem to be "bothered" by it, which could only mean a few things:
a) maybe my "impact" isn't as influencing as I thought
or
b) they have adapted and respect my "unavailability" .

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Day 14. Silence is the wit of fools-Anatole France

Yesterday,I was on a bus for 7 hours and i realized that sitting silent in the same spot for so long makes self-control even harder. It kind of adds up to the intensity and makes it extremely difficult. I wasn't tempted to speak, but I was panicked and frustrated. I felt suffocated. I have always recognized the power of "being in motion". I walk a few miles a day, just to clear my head, breathe, and to put my mind, just like my feet, in motion. Being stranded on a Chinatown bus is not the ideal motion i had in mind.
I came to see my friends and I knew that abandoning the safety of my house, would be a risky thing to do. Being among my good friends, joking all the time,makes it difficult withholding participation. It is a challenge.
I feel somehow dry, i am sure it is obvious by my writing.
I tried talking to myself and my voice sounded weak and faint. It worried me to the point that I was making paranoid scenarios in my head, about losing my voice forever. I wonder whether i should make some phonetic exercises. Am I getting worried over nothing?

Friday, February 13, 2009

Day 13. brb

Last night I had one of those dreams again, that somehow i "forgot" that i am on a vow of silence and started talking again. Should i be worried by this? 

I am going away for a few days. I have a bus to catch. I will write some more after my 7 hour bus ride.


p.s We made the news too:

http://meaningfuldistraction.com/2009/02/10/artist-highlight-myvowofsilenceblogspot.com/

Thursday, February 12, 2009

conflict:the believing heart vs the skeptical mind

I am well. Really well. But here is the but. Silence increases the capability of one to function unhampered by distractions ( emotional, verbal,etc) but we are still humans, and at this early stage of my journey I am still very fragile.  I have centered my attention to somehow extraordinary realities yet this is NYC in 2009 and there is a very loud and strong reality under my feet, inside my ears, in front of my eyes, above my head. In simple words today a weakness of mine was highlighted. I will leave it at that for now. 
I want to talk about other sorts of silence. I asked a friend of mine a question, it was more like a comment and i expected some sort of respond, an acknowledgement that she heard me. She remained silent ( i guess it's contagious) and after that minute of silence, she talked about watching a piece of paper fly 20 stores high up in the sky. Isn't that  a silence? Definitely a lot more common, unjustified yet acceptable by our society! At least I offer some sort of explanation.
I don't know why i still let things like that to affect me. As i said, I am still new and inexperienced in this, but i am hoping to reach higher levels of mystical experience.
Evelyn Underhill, a recognized expert on mysticism comments that "the silence that aids the mystic is an organic life-process". I don't label myself as a mystic or anything, i am just extremely fascinated by this new experience. I wish i could describe this in words but its impossible. 
I am quoting the philosophy of silence on something as a response to my own frustration in being unable to describe this. ( and once again i am not claiming to have reached any levels of this yet, i just had a small taste).

"Those who have been enriched by mystical experience, have often been aware of the vagueness of their reports, but have maintained that blurred edges are unavoidable." 
also
"The mystic maintains that the attempt to translate any significant experience into ideas and language always falsifies and impoverishes it." I was thinking the same thing about poetry. How successful can a poem be, considering that there is an infinite scale for perfection. Even though i doubt that perfection even exists. Perhaps any kind of creation is a step towards that mystical place, and the scent of it, is inspirational enough to aboard and continue on the journey. 
 
goodnight

Day 12. Say no more

A friend of mine send me this link:

www.ted.com/index.php/talks/john_francis_walks_the_earth.html

what I am supposed to say after this?


All I could do while watching this was nod my head. I am speechless and typeless but i will end this with a quote from the Philosophy of silence. 

To the questions "What is God?" and "What is a man?" the Sufi answers:

"The soul conscious of its limited existence is 'man', and the soul revealed by the vision of the unlimited is 'God'."
 

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Day 11. I've learned silence from the talkative,tolerance from the intolerant,and kindness from the unkind;yet I'm ungrateful to the teachers.

The title quote is from Kahlil Gibran-Lebanese poet.

I have a lot of things to say so I guess its a good thing that my "housemates" had a fight over something totally stupid at 8 in the morning. 
Some more observations, but before i start typing them i would like to comment on the fact that some initial reactions have changed ( not because they were miscalculated, but because some things "don't go deeper, they just go forward" J.M. Hecht).

Noise.
I feel that I have become more sensitive to  sounds. Maybe its the same principle behind people that lack one of their senses, and some other sense of theirs is increased. Sitting in a bar the other night, i could hear loud and clear every single noise from the tables around me. Maybe its because my mind and senses are working on a different wavelength right now, but every sound sounded intensified and louder. 

Poker cards.
I have noticed that people pause their speech while i am writing on my reply cards. I am not sure if this is done consciously in order to be polite or if they are subconsciously, just giving me my time to respond ( like in a verbal conversation). In any case I find this extremely respectful and flattering. 
Why poker cards? I'm in a fortunate position to hold my words in my hands and decide when to show them. I get second and third chances to edit or even cancel what i wanted to say. i can easily contril what kind of things  and at what point i say them.It is like a real poker game and i need to make them best out of my notecards.

Is not speaking an illness?
I was revisiting some of my older posts and I read on how some people felt sorry for my incapability to speak. They treated me with sympathetic looks on their faces which it is kind of a proof there is still hope for peace and harmony. But why the sympathy? Is it a pathos not to speak? Do they feel sorry because they assume the worse about my "situation", or is it any kind of verbal communication incompetency a sad subject?

Face muscles.
If laughing makes indeed life longer, how about smiling? I think i have been using my face muscles a lot(even typing that sentence feels weird, but what sane person would do this anyway?). Without a doubt the face is the primary mean of communicating feelings and reactions, and I believe that since I don't speak, i have been giving my face muscles some serious exercise.

What will be the first thing I say?
this is regarding a personal question/obsession of mine that i have about last words. I like to ask people to tell me what would had been their last words before they died. If they were allowed to say a few words, what would those be? I was trying to figure out mine for years and recently I have decided that it would probably be: sygnomi which means i'm sorry in Greek, probably because I recognize all the mistakes and unfairness i did in my lifetime. What a nice gloomy subject. Last night I was wondering, what would be the first words i say when i decide to speak again? This experience is like a feeling of rebirth and just like a newborn mumbling his first words i think it is important for me to choose ( since I am not a toddler) my first words.

 

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Day 10. Silences make the real conversations between friends. Not the saying but the never needing to say is what counts-M. Lee Runbeck

ten days. Would you believe that I am enjoying this so much that I am already worried that I will miss it? One would say that I could do it whenever I want to, its not that I need special ingredients, but since I am living in a social environment there are several responsibilities that I need to respect. It would be selfish to just withdraw in my silence whenever I feel like it.
I got a text message the other night from a friend that read:
"I'm worried that you won't speak much after this." It is probably true but there is no harm in that. I am on a journey with no specific destination, and I am following Kavafy's Ithaca advice. The unknown is intriguing, something like an ultimate gambling game, its all in.
I no longer feel self-conscious about my interaction with people. There are some uncomfortable moments here and there but nothing too serious. For example, I found out that either my handwriting is terrible or the sushi guy at the deli, the cashier at "San Locos" and my herbman cannot read. Cannot read well at least. I have also realized that thanks to the invention of the spellchecker my spelling has become disastrous.

I have also been re-thinking about the documentary on my VOS. I think that this whole thing is extremely private ( and I often debate with myself if i should be writing this blog publicly). I am learning so much from this, and most of them cannot be described in words. There are feelings and scents and lights and deja-vous of all sorts.

When I was in San Diego in 2005 , my friend Devon and I , came to this "profound" realization that "Sometimes we think its like that but its not like that." The ideas and perception we have about ourselves is quite off the idea that other people have for us. Maybe its because we all have different judging criteria or classification "requirements". Usually facts are more sincere. Where am I going with this? I never considered myself to be/become a person of solitude. I was raised like most Cypriots in a very social and vibrant environment ( big families, often gatherings, vivid social life, constant attention) and the idea of setting disciplines and restrictions sounded far fetched if not impossible. I guess I am not what I think I am. I am much better and at the same time, much worse. I cant judge.

March 2001- July 2001. As a protest I avoided to hold a gun during my mandatory military service
2006-2007 Abstinence.
20 July 2008- today. Spontaneous decision to quit eating meat
1st February-today. Vow of silence

Monday, February 9, 2009

excerpts from the "Philosophy of silence"

"Ascetic"
It is derived from the Greek word meaning the training of an athlete. The necessity of physical training for an athlete, or of vocational training for a profession, is obvious to the Western mind. When we consider fields other than the physical and the social, we are confronted with the same need for training.When voluntarily assumed discipline is directed toward spiritual goals, aspirants become spiritual athletes-ascetics in the real sense.
pg 59.

but the misuse of any practice cannot destroy the genuine meaning.
pg 60.

The basic purpose of the discipline of silence id to conserve the constructive energies of the individual and keep them from being dissipated on fleeting pleasures.
pg 61.

Pythagoras
In the work of Pythagoras, silence was not only a device to keep out the unworthy, but it was also bound up with the central purpose of the order....He recognized that more than the desire for inner growth was needed, namely the capacity to undergo the concomitant disciples.
...Those who commited themselves to the guidance of P's doctrines were instructed to take their morning walks alone, and in places conducive to solitude and quiet. They were not to break the silence until they "had rendered their own soul sedate and had co-harmonized the reasoning power, for they apprehended it to be a thing of a turbulent nature to mingle in a crowd as soon as they rose from bed."
pg 62&63.

Day 9. Conserving constructive energies

I have been having this repetitive dream recently. In my dream, I dream that for some reason I forget about my VOS and I begin to talk again. After I have said a few words, and long in that day, I realize what I have done and feel awful about it. My guilt wakes me up. 
I have always been fascinated by dreams and I often look into them or at least look for signs. I analyze the details and appreciate them as an experienced friend warning me about possible dangers. Last night I dreamt about climbing a cliff somewhere in South America with 2 males and a female, and after we climbed it, they insisted we use a Jeep to climb down. I was the only one arguing that driving a car on the cliff would be suicidal. When everybody went for a swim in the river/falls I sat on a stone and picked a bag of pasta that was floating on the water. 
These are the interpretations for the words Cliff, River and Pasta: 

To dream that you are standing on the edge of a cliff, indicates that you have reached an increased level of understanding, new awareness, and a fresh point of view. You have reached a critical point in your life and are afraid of losing control. Alternatively, it suggests that you are pondering a life-altering decision.  no kidding...
To dream that you or someone falls of a cliff, suggests that you are going through some difficult times and afraid of what is ahead of you. You fear that you may not be up for the challenge or that you cannot meet the expectations of others. the expectations of others are usually easily satisfied and if not, they still remain the expectations of others. 

To see a clear and calm river in your dream, indicates that you are allowing your life to float away or that you are just going with the flow. It is time to take a more decisive role in directing your life. Alternatively , a river symbolizes joyful pleasures, peace and prosperity. I am really going with the flow? I think it signifies the peace and prosperity :)

To dream that you are eating macaroni, denotes small losses. To see macaroni in large quantities signifies that need for you to be frugal, economize and save money. to save money it means that one has money or earns money, so I cant think how this applies to my life.


p.s "Its these restrictions that set us free" Stavros Lambrakis

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Day 8. It's better to be silent and be thought a fool, that to speak and remove all doubt- A.Lincoln

For those who personally know me, or at least heard me talk, you know that i have a heavy accent. Even though I have been here in the States for almost 8 years(!) now, my accent has yet to abandon me. I have realized that people that have never heard me speak make different assumptions about me. I never thought that anyone would have taken me for an American, but since I have turned silent, the new people i meet have different ideas on where i come from and what i am about. This is extremely interesting for me, because I get to meet people and get "understood" on a whole different scenario. I wonder how they view my VOS. Is it easier for them to "accept" it because I am a foreigner ( and those foreigners do them foreign things..)? Would they find it more or less "credible"? 

Talking about "credibility", tonight i got to hang with a group of deaF people who use sign language. A friend of mine who is a sign language teacher had a birthday party , and a number of her students was there. I felt bad for forbidding myself to speak around people that do not speak (not by choice). I was hesitant to approach their company but when my friend introduced me and told them what i am doing, they were thrilled. One of them stretched his arm to shake my hand, as a "thank you" gesture because I was now dealing with problems that they have to face daily.
I discussed the guilty and self-consciousness issue with a deaf woman and she said that she knew where my self consciousness was coming from and advised me to go on and don't worry about what people think because people forget.
she also wrote this response on my note pad. I will scan it and post it but i couldn't wait to share it.

I was telling her how now, after 8 quick days, I can block the sound, because I don't expect anyone to talk to me. I disregard any noise or calls as if  they are directed for someone else . Her response was this:

"I understand-for me, I just got 2 new digital hearing aids. It's annoying for me to hear sounds. Thank God I can turn it off when I want to. I can't imagine how people  have to endure disturbing sounds- I do like/enjoy music-nice."

wow

Day 7. Silence is the true friend that never betrays- Confucius

This is kind of a late post, since it's almost 8 and I don't have much to write. This is becoming a routine and a lifestyle. Who would have thought, Stavros that always has something to say hasn't said a word in soon to be eight days! The first days, I used to talk when by myself, mumble, curse or sing but I don't even do that anymore. I remain silent even on my alone hours. 
Everything goes on as normal. I do all of my transactions by writing things down on paper and everything is fine. I begin to wonder how is this going to affect me when it's done. Will I return back to my old chatterbox habits or will I filter my words more now?


Friday, February 6, 2009

Day 6. My imagination is a monastery and I am it's monk-J.Keats

good morning,
I guess i can greet you as if you are there since I have received Facebook messages about my VOS. In one of them, a friend of mine asked me a whole bunch of questions but one of them really stood out. "Are you learning from it?" 
There is no doubt in my head that anything one does and labels as experiment , is useful  and productive. Even proving the nonexistence of something is something. 
I am learning a lot about human behavior, my behavior and the behavior of the people around me. I find the ways they invent to cope with it interesting and unusual to their common habits. 
Their approach and self-consciousness is subconsciously modified by my conscious decision to remain silent( i apologize for the abuse of the word -conscious). Have I gained an unwanted control? Writing more about this, makes me unsure if I could relate it to poetry. I believe that everything is connected to poetry but for the sake of a "secure" classification, this might be called a hybrid of a sociological and psychological experiment. 
If nothing else, I have been filling a lot of note pads and maybe i could make little poems out of them. Like a collage kind of thing. 
Talking about collages, I was thinking that since the beginning of this silence I have been "recycling" art instead of creating it. I thought about other people that do this, especially monks or people that do this for religious purposes and it struck me. They are seeking something that exists, they are not creating it. It's like stripping all the layers off until the body is naked and pure and beautiful or something like that.

I don't want to bore you but there is one last thing i want to write about today.
I was also asked this: "What's the point of the blog? Is it all about yourself?"
I think most, if not all, artists are selfish, and those who don't admit it, they are selfish liars. Why would anyone feel the need to create art, ( the term art is ever-changing), if they didn't feel the urgency to express things in order to save themselves from "asphyxiation". It is either that, or the uber-narcissistic motive of GIVING TO THE WORLD. I don't know when was the last time the world asked from  an artist to give. So, I am not saying I am doing something profound , new or amazing, or i am sharing my wisdom to help others. When I heal myself maybe then i can help others ;)

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Day 5. Silence is a source of great strength- Lao Tzu

some people assume the worse when i show them my "Hello", "I am sorry i can't respond" "A slice of cheese, please" cards. I get these sympathetic looks, the kind of " i am sorry that you cant talk young man, it must suck". At least they don't get pissed off. I was even offered water while i was waiting for the slice of cheese...
I think it wouldn't be "fair" if i secluded myself so i am trying to get out of my room everyday even for a couple of hours. I had lunch at this diner in Green Point and surprise surprise the owners were Greek. For those who know me, a) i am a chatterbox and b) i MUST say something if i see a Greek speaking person. Its a cultural thing and hard to get rid of. So, i am sitting there eating my feta omelet and i hear this intense dialogue in Greek from the table next to me and i am tempted to say something, before they say anything about me in Greek assuming i wont understand, but i held it in. I was thinking that if i talked in Greek, i wouldn't be breaking my vow of silence. Why is that? Is it more than one kind of silence? Why did i feel i could afford to make this exception?

I asked my friend who was with me for the first time since my VOS, how did she feel about it adn she said she noticed that she was speaking in statements. She realized that because she put an effort in not asking questions (not necessarily about my VOS, just usual chit-chat questions )
She also said she was wondering on how people understand her monologues. Do they find her crazy for talking to someone that doesn't verbally respond? Are they wishing that their mother-in laws, or significant others were like that? (if not forever maybe a week of two :)

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Day 4. We feel safer with a madman who talks than with one who cannot open his mouth-E.Cioran

I have met with a mix of people for a beer ( people i know and their friends that i don't) and i have thought about new things. One of the girls there, which i don't really know, asked me if people are more "careful" now when they talk to me because they don't to "waste" my time by replying to something obvious or dumb. I didn't think about this before. It seems like I am not the only one that felt self-conscious or "guilty". Others might be eliminating the small talk because they are afraid that what they say will be perceived as useless.

Reactions from males that I don't know.
I don't hang out with guys, i am mostly around women. Therefore any interaction I have with guys is always interesting for me to observe. I am only saying this because I don't want you to think that i have realized anything profound, but I got the feeling that some males felt intimidated by my silence. I can make a few assumptions for that:

I) silence is power. By receiving all this info and reciprocating minimum, the scale is on my side. I learn "valuable" info and yet remain mysterious and everything new is perceived as a threat.

II) "Is this a new techninque to pick up chicks?" Believe it or not, one of them actually asked me if my silence is a scheme to create that mystery that i guess, attracts women. Yeah....i thought about buying a Bentley but my second best option was a vow of silence...


P.S I think my english is getting worse

Day 4. Since long I've held silence a remedy for harm- Aeschylus

i started and finished a collage yesterday. i am into collages lately, i guess i am 20 years late. I was preoccupied with other things when i was 7, don't know what exactly, but it wasn't collaging. It took me 3 hours to finish it and it was probably the most pleasant way to empty my mind. I was thinking about the observation i made the other day on how the dialogue still goes on in my head even tho i don't verbally express it. My addition to that is that, yes it goes on in my head, yet it's shorter and it ends when my mind checks itself and decides to stop consuming mental energy on this subject of countless possibilities. Its like entering a world of infinite realities, and i will admit, this is a game which i often entertain my mind with, but trying to remain voluntarily silent takes lots of my energy.
I am not (neither everyone else i think) used of being in absolute control of my spontaneous reactions, such as greeting, laughing, warning others for possible danger, etc. The only thing i don't ( and also don't want to) hold back is laughter. It is probably the only solid communication that i share, and by solid i mean difficult to misinterpret.   

One of my favorite things to do is to dissect the etymology of words, and coming from a Greek background, i always have something in my mind to dissect. So last night, i thought of the word:
ANUKOUSTO means UNHEARD OF.
The dictionary described it as : a) not perceived by the ear
        b) not given a hearing
c) and the archaic version, previously unknown.

So far so good. Now lets examine the use of it in daily situations. "That has been unheard of.." shows an element of surprise, a reaction for something unexpected, positively or negatively shocking....which takes me to my point/question: Does speech make a verbal agreement, official? ( if yes, why do we "seal" deals with handshakes? Wouldn't be more appropriate if we lock lips instead?) If something is said, does it automatically become valid? What if it remains as a thought...then what?
The only thing i remember from my undergraduate studies in Communications, is that "communication  is irreversible", hence when two people argue they fuse their anger by recalling in their memories, hurtful things (or things that bothered them) that once said in the past by the other person. Even if we apologize for something we said, it still registers and even if we try to burry it, under certain circumstances it will come out. So, is it safer not to say things? Probably. Is it freedom? I don't know. But what is freedom anyway? Constantly proving our freedom shows the lack of it.  

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Day 3. Some persons talk simply because they think sound is more manageable than silence- M. Halsey

its snowing today and that is a legit reason to stay in. i have been thinking...who can justify what i am doing besides myself? there is no one here and the i am the only person "documenting" this through a silly blog. This is very private, and i am the only witness. how is anyone else going to be benefited then, (if of course there is anything to be gained from this)? I guess they wont. Maybe i wont. 

i realize how unnecessary are  most of the things we say. I am not saying that we should have deep and philosophical conversations every day, (those can be "discussed" privately in our heads) but writing things down in my note pad and re-reading them the next day i realize that the topics of interest, and the vocabulary we use , i use, is limited.
how "upgraded" are we from animals?

Monday, February 2, 2009

Day 2. We will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends- M.L.King Jr

so, last night i managed to watch the super bowl around people and maintain my silence. its not that i get emotional about American football, but it is interesting to "bottle" things in. it somehow makes them less important.
once again the most difficult part is my self-consciousness. I feel bad , if not guilty, to be around other people that want to talk/ or talk to me. I feel that i am not available as a friend and that creates some frustration.  it is all of course a personal issue, but i will have to agree with Jennifer Michael Hecht, that being in a city, especially NYC makes it a hundred times more difficult than being secluded in the mountains. I have noticed how my friends' reactions changed based on my behavior. They talk slower, use hand gestures, even remain quiet also. I wonder if they feel oppressed or even if they take notice...

Today i went to Prospect Park. Avoiding human interaction makes it easier. Listening to music also.


Sunday, February 1, 2009

Day 1. Silence is refreshment of the soul- W. Judd

i have already come to a few realizations. by not talking i am not lessening my communication techniques, i am just modifying them. my biggest worry about this is not to perceived as rude. being a person that apologizes annoyingly often i cant even think about not responding to a "hello" or a "thank you". so what do i do? Trying to explain to someone the situation using cards is not very effective.maybe i should "blame" it on religious issues. 

Do i listen more now that i speak less?
I think i listen equally the same. the process of a possible respond still exists. i filter my response in my head but instead of expressing them verbally i pause them and "play" them in my head. therefore the response and the time of is still there.

 Am I thinking more now?
i think i am  thinking more. there is the extra thought of "what are they thinking?" "what is going on in their heads" , "what do they think of this/me?" It is true that the artist is an extremely selfish person. how else can i explain feeling constantly  self-conscious?


My first three encounters were:
the guy that lives next door( he is the one that "suggested" the religious vow of silence)
the cashier at the groceries store: she assumed i was mute and used excessive hand language(?) to ask me if i wanted it all in one bag.
Lia: fellow poet that saw randomly on the street close to my house. She was going for a 15 min massage and then she would text me to hang. its been an hour since...
  

Morning of the 1st

I have been having those dreams that keep you half awake -half asleep. Well, it's actually more awake and less asleep. Those sort of dreams that include the things one must do in the next day, and somehow he/she fails and now one must deal with all the consequences multiplied by a thousand. I had all versions of my VOS failure going through the cinematography of my dream.
I need to prepare my cards. I will start with basic cards and then write more as I go on.

YES PLEASE.
NO, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
I'M SORRY I CANT RESPOND TO YOU.
I'M ON A VOW OF SILENCE.