Day 28. On a second thought

I did not say a word in a month

sounds like a long tim.e

Day 27. EMA

I got a text message from a friend reading : 1 day left!!! 

I got a few more similar remarks, since my index card reads: FOR THE WHOLE MONTH OF FEBRUARY".  I have decided that I am not ready to give up silence yet. I have come this far. I haven't been far. I am only worried about my mum, because she is really worried about this.I worry, she worries, we worry. Somehow she learned how to text and she did send me a few text messages over this past month. I feel like I am torturing her and it doesn't seem right.

I might change it, mix it up a little bit and do selective silence. What do I mean by that? Talk only on specific days, talk only to a small number of people, or something of this type. Or maybe speak when spoken to! 

I have overheard an interesting dialogue, or better a monologue today:

"My brother said the most stupid thing ever. I wanted to smack him in the face. Our mom gave us $2o and he wanted to get pizza. I'd rather buy clothes with that money. Food lasts, how long? 10 minutes? Shoes last at least a month! Stupid pizza. I will get a pimple and have break outs."

I went to the Guggenheim today and I was surprised on how many people mocked some of the artwork. Fucking A. Why would anyone bother to visit a museum if they don't appreciate the art. Even if you don't appreciate a specific piece, at least respect it by not sharing your stupid insides with others. I guess the answer is similar to "Why do guys watch chick flicks?" or "Why do they open the car door for women"...

Allen Ginsberg's  penis, and the two blocks of ice surrounded by microphones, were the mockers' favorites.  

Lastly: Since I am self proclaimed poet here is a poem

A Spaceship for my Time trip

If I could travel back in time 

I would had stood before the person 

who would had been about to 

invent the air quotes and 

with a quick karate chop

I would break his fingers in 

four different "places".

I am not pissed.

still Day 26

"The quality of uniqueness which is inherent in everyone's approach to everything, demands satisfaction. Without it, intellectual, outer authority strikes no deep roots. On the other hand, in the absence of verified and verifiable knowledge as the foundation stone, individualism stands in danger of building on the shifting sands of mere opinion."

Me: I feeling kinda anxious because I have yet to decide about my thesis. I have yet to have that profound revelation to link silence and poetry.
You: silence is the highest state of the poetic experience.
How do I convince The New School?
You: It is a difficult task if you want to be honest with your own journey
Me: I know. I'm not good with words. I like hands.
You: "I'm not good with words" an irony?
Me: More like a self-realization or a plain realization.
You: on the other hand, a thesis is a like a large paper. A task.
Me: I feel indifferent about it that is why I am stressed. Why would I have to position my opinion on something. I accept everything because I realize how few I know.
Philosophy of silence : The extensive use of silence always seemed to him a satisfying means to spiritual discoveries-more direct and far more compelling than the road of preachments and books, though these may serve the masses. In other words, he has no quarrel with authority per se , but asks only that it guide him as far as it can, yet leave him sufficiently free to develop his own inner life."
You: Then, use that little moment of euphoria to think about it and do it.
Me: I just feel forced to do this. I even have doubts if I want to write/ publish poetry.
Philosophy of silence. Wise leaders- Pythagoras, Clement of Alexandria, Augustine, Loyola are a few-who have counseled that there need be no battle between individualism and outer authority. They have maintained that religion, to be rightly and fruitfully lived, requires both.
You: Everything changes.
Me: It does. It changes and we don't even take notice. Have you seen a singing bowl before? I was playing with one yesterday and it had an impact in my environment for hours. Such a strong vibration. Just think of the power of an actual sound! A voice. How powerful that is and we misuse it every single day!
You: yes, I know.
Me: So why would I "bother" compose words?
Me: It feels like 2012 the end of world. The end of word. Am I turning crazy?
You: no. But the sky, now, is a mirror.
On the other hand, have you asked yourself what you are looking for?
Me: what I am looking for is distracted by my vices. Money. Social life. Recognition. My voice is weak.
You: Everything will come in the right time. Passion is required. Do it in the same way you sing when you are silent.
Me: I can't. I don't have a tune in my head. I don't want to open my mouth. Even to eat.
You: if it seems hard to sing when you are silent, then try to keep silent while you are singing. If you can do that, a new soul will born in the soul you have.

Day 26.

What is happening is amazing. Almost 3 hours ago, my friend Lia, played her tibetan singing bowl in my room. It is now 2:37 and I can still hear it! I have noticed that since my vow of silence the energy in my room has changed. Everything feels so mellow and serene. Even the fridge stopped making that annoying sound. I had a feeling about it but I couldn't "prove" it. Now I am somehow convinced about the relation of the two.

If you have never heard of a singing bowl you should youtube it.

 

Day 24. Tongues of flesh

"for only then wilt thou upon It gaze when thou canst say no word concerning It. For Gnosis of the Good is holy silence and a giving holiday to every sense" Hermes to Asclepius.

Day 23. 2 of my favorite responses

One of my favorite sushi places is at Whole foods on Houston and since I am such a good customer, the guys that work there recognize me and we often chat.

Last week when i went there, Jamba asked me how have I been and I pulled out my " I am sorry I cant respond, i am on a vow of silence" card and then he nod his head. When he came back to get the order he looked at me for a second and said:

-"You can't talk but.... you can hear, right?"

Today I was sitting on the entrance of a building on 2nd avenue enjoying a pale sunny spot when this woman asked me if I knew the neighborhood so I nodded my head Yes

and she asked me if I knew any other Polish markets because the one she usually goes ( she mentioned the name) was closed. I didnt expect such a difficult and elaborative question, and since I don't know any Polish markets so i nodded No. She looked at me for a few seconds and said " You cant speak english very well, can you?". Again I smiled and nodded my head No. She walked away. I wonder how did she interpret my no. Was it, "no, i dont speak english very well" or "no, i do speak english very well". How often we ask questions and don't care for the answer.

Day 22. The best answer to anger is silence- Anonymous

I met with my thesis advisor today, and she talked about the ways my silence impacts her. I was flattered that I had some affect on her, especially on someone that I respect so much and also don't see often. She decided to remain silent for the last 20 minutes. For some reason I felt uncomfortable being looked at in silence and I wondered if I put my friends into that uncomfortable spot. I am sorry if I did. 

I really needed to do this silence thing, because I am jumpy and also ;) bored to tears, so I wanted to teach myself a lesson. I feel like I did. I have become more patient with people and situations. From the pace of my walk, to the amount it takes me to eat. Some people around me, intentionally or unintentionally, play mental games with me and provoke me. Pre-silence Stavros would had been furious, but now I can somehow control it. It will take more to be provoked. Moving on, or better, i remain still and let the universe move up/down/left/right wherever it wants to go.

Attention.

I get more than I want. The initial idea of this was to distant myself so I could observe better, but sometimes people get curious and once they start they won't stop asking questions. Last night I avoided giving answers and that worked against me. Some people that knew about it, took the role of the narrator. In a way, I wasn't bothered, but still the attention was there. I am not complaining, it's just tiring, especially when it comes in contrast with the  whole idea of mysticism. 

My prep talk of the day included the following quote:

"you rock.

you are sending yourself messages about what you are furious about. 

if you want to be a real poet you need to do so much less than most.

you already have the hard part-you have made contact with a dark of your root brain.

now get vulnerable in your interpretation of these runes"