Day 5. Silence is a source of great strength- Lao Tzu

some people assume the worse when i show them my "Hello", "I am sorry i can't respond" "A slice of cheese, please" cards. I get these sympathetic looks, the kind of " i am sorry that you cant talk young man, it must suck". At least they don't get pissed off. I was even offered water while i was waiting for the slice of cheese...

I think it wouldn't be "fair" if i secluded myself so i am trying to get out of my room everyday even for a couple of hours. I had lunch at this diner in Green Point and surprise surprise the owners were Greek. For those who know me, a) i am a chatterbox and b) i MUST say something if i see a Greek speaking person. Its a cultural thing and hard to get rid of. So, i am sitting there eating my feta omelet and i hear this intense dialogue in Greek from the table next to me and i am tempted to say something, before they say anything about me in Greek assuming i wont understand, but i held it in. I was thinking that if i talked in Greek, i wouldn't be breaking my vow of silence. Why is that? Is it more than one kind of silence? Why did i feel i could afford to make this exception?

I asked my friend who was with me for the first time since my VOS, how did she feel about it adn she said she noticed that she was speaking in statements. She realized that because she put an effort in not asking questions (not necessarily about my VOS, just usual chit-chat questions )

She also said she was wondering on how people understand her monologues. Do they find her crazy for talking to someone that doesn't verbally respond? Are they wishing that their mother-in laws, or significant others were like that? (if not forever maybe a week of two :)

Day 4. We feel safer with a madman who talks than with one who cannot open his mouth-E.Cioran

I have met with a mix of people for a beer ( people i know and their friends that i don't) and i have thought about new things. One of the girls there, which i don't really know, asked me if people are more "careful" now when they talk to me because they don't to "waste" my time by replying to something obvious or dumb. I didn't think about this before. It seems like I am not the only one that felt self-conscious or "guilty". Others might be eliminating the small talk because they are afraid that what they say will be perceived as useless.

Reactions from males that I don't know.
I don't hang out with guys, i am mostly around women. Therefore any interaction I have with guys is always interesting for me to observe. I am only saying this because I don't want you to think that i have realized anything profound, but I got the feeling that some males felt intimidated by my silence. I can make a few assumptions for that:

I) silence is power. By receiving all this info and reciprocating minimum, the scale is on my side. I learn "valuable" info and yet remain mysterious and everything new is perceived as a threat.

II) "Is this a new techninque to pick up chicks?" Believe it or not, one of them actually asked me if my silence is a scheme to create that mystery that i guess, attracts women. Yeah....i thought about buying a Bentley but my second best option was a vow of silence...


P.S I think my english is getting worse

Day 4. Since long I've held silence a remedy for harm- Aeschylus

i started and finished a collage yesterday. i am into collages lately, i guess i am 20 years late. I was preoccupied with other things when i was 7, don't know what exactly, but it wasn't collaging. It took me 3 hours to finish it and it was probably the most pleasant way to empty my mind. I was thinking about the observation i made the other day on how the dialogue still goes on in my head even tho i don't verbally express it. My addition to that is that, yes it goes on in my head, yet it's shorter and it ends when my mind checks itself and decides to stop consuming mental energy on this subject of countless possibilities. Its like entering a world of infinite realities, and i will admit, this is a game which i often entertain my mind with, but trying to remain voluntarily silent takes lots of my energy.

I am not (neither everyone else i think) used of being in absolute control of my spontaneous reactions, such as greeting, laughing, warning others for possible danger, etc. The only thing i don't ( and also don't want to) hold back is laughter. It is probably the only solid communication that i share, and by solid i mean difficult to misinterpret.   

One of my favorite things to do is to dissect the etymology of words, and coming from a Greek background, i always have something in my mind to dissect. So last night, i thought of the word:

ANUKOUSTO means UNHEARD OF.

The dictionary described it as : a) not perceived by the ear

        b) not given a hearing

c) and the archaic version, previously unknown.

So far so good. Now lets examine the use of it in daily situations. "That has been unheard of.." shows an element of surprise, a reaction for something unexpected, positively or negatively shocking....which takes me to my point/question: Does speech make a verbal agreement, official? ( if yes, why do we "seal" deals with handshakes? Wouldn't be more appropriate if we lock lips instead?) If something is said, does it automatically become valid? What if it remains as a thought...then what?

The only thing i remember from my undergraduate studies in Communications, is that "communication  is irreversible", hence when two people argue they fuse their anger by recalling in their memories, hurtful things (or things that bothered them) that once said in the past by the other person. Even if we apologize for something we said, it still registers and even if we try to burry it, under certain circumstances it will come out. So, is it safer not to say things? Probably. Is it freedom? I don't know. But what is freedom anyway? Constantly proving our freedom shows the lack of it.  

Day 3. Some persons talk simply because they think sound is more manageable than silence- M. Halsey

its snowing today and that is a legit reason to stay in. i have been thinking...who can justify what i am doing besides myself? there is no one here and the i am the only person "documenting" this through a silly blog. This is very private, and i am the only witness. how is anyone else going to be benefited then, (if of course there is anything to be gained from this)? I guess they wont. Maybe i wont. 

i realize how unnecessary are  most of the things we say. I am not saying that we should have deep and philosophical conversations every day, (those can be "discussed" privately in our heads) but writing things down in my note pad and re-reading them the next day i realize that the topics of interest, and the vocabulary we use , i use, is limited.

how "upgraded" are we from animals?

Day 2. We will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends- M.L.King Jr

so, last night i managed to watch the super bowl around people and maintain my silence. its not that i get emotional about American football, but it is interesting to "bottle" things in. it somehow makes them less important.

once again the most difficult part is my self-consciousness. I feel bad , if not guilty, to be around other people that want to talk/ or talk to me. I feel that i am not available as a friend and that creates some frustration.  it is all of course a personal issue, but i will have to agree with Jennifer Michael Hecht, that being in a city, especially NYC makes it a hundred times more difficult than being secluded in the mountains. I have noticed how my friends' reactions changed based on my behavior. They talk slower, use hand gestures, even remain quiet also. I wonder if they feel oppressed or even if they take notice...

Today i went to Prospect Park. Avoiding human interaction makes it easier. Listening to music also.

Day 1. Silence is refreshment of the soul- W. Judd

i have already come to a few realizations. by not talking i am not lessening my communication techniques, i am just modifying them. my biggest worry about this is not to perceived as rude. being a person that apologizes annoyingly often i cant even think about not responding to a "hello" or a "thank you". so what do i do? Trying to explain to someone the situation using cards is not very effective.maybe i should "blame" it on religious issues. 

Do i listen more now that i speak less?

I think i listen equally the same. the process of a possible respond still exists. i filter my response in my head but instead of expressing them verbally i pause them and "play" them in my head. therefore the response and the time of is still there.

 Am I thinking more now?

i think i am  thinking more. there is the extra thought of "what are they thinking?" "what is going on in their heads" , "what do they think of this/me?" It is true that the artist is an extremely selfish person. how else can i explain feeling constantly  self-conscious?

My first three encounters were:

the guy that lives next door( he is the one that "suggested" the religious vow of silence)

the cashier at the groceries store: she assumed i was mute and used excessive hand language(?) to ask me if i wanted it all in one bag.

Lia: fellow poet that saw randomly on the street close to my house. She was going for a 15 min massage and then she would text me to hang. its been an hour since...

  

Morning of the 1st

I have been having those dreams that keep you half awake -half asleep. Well, it's actually more awake and less asleep. Those sort of dreams that include the things one must do in the next day, and somehow he/she fails and now one must deal with all the consequences multiplied by a thousand. I had all versions of my VOS failure going through the cinematography of my dream.

I need to prepare my cards. I will start with basic cards and then write more as I go on.

YES PLEASE.
NO, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
I'M SORRY I CANT RESPOND TO YOU.
I'M ON A VOW OF SILENCE.